Monday, 15 December 2008

Obama is black shocker.

Astonished voters woke this morning to an incredible revelation. Barack Obama is BLACK. Many of America's 'simple folk' feel duped and say that if Obama had released this information, previous to the election, their votes may well have gone the other way.

"He seemed like such a nice boy" said one woman laundering her white sheets. A mother and son/husband couple we talked to said they almost dropped the two bits of wood they were nailing together at the time "lil' Seymour here almost spilt his gasoline too".

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Gastronomic bypass

One in three hospital patients is unhappy with the quality of food they receive, a recent survey suggests. A quarter of the 1,000 patients questioned by consumer charity “Which?” said they had to rely on relatives to bring them something edible. The other three quarters were unavailable for comment but would contribute to the survey if they get manage to get over their mysterious, recently acquired, bout of stomach pains and MRSA.

Friday, 21 November 2008


Big British brand names are coming up with creative ways of getting their products into schools. At Wisbech, in Cambridgeshire, pupils in a chemistry lesson are carrying out an experiment, involving dropping Mentos mints into a large plastic bottle of cola.
Teachers were reported to say that they were unaware of any direct influence the advertising had on their toothless, hyperactive, yet strangely fresh-breathed pupils.

The teaching of classic poetry in secondary schools is under threat, with English lessons being filled with lightweight verse and a limited selection of poems. Outraged Children's Laureate, Michael Rosen said “There once was a curriculum in this country, that let children neglect lovely poetry. At this rate they'll never wear cravats, mince around in pretentious hats, or masturbate over clouds under an oak tree.

Friday, 24 October 2008

Oh Darling

The recession is here! It's official, the economy is shrinking. Alistair Darling says that "Hopefully it'll shrink so much that it will disappear and we'll hear no more about it. Naughty economy".

Wednesday, 10 September 2008

Bang for Your Buck

At least 5 billion is the estimated cost of colliding some particles in the Hadron Collider. This is so we can discover what happened after the "Big Bang". The results will no doubt be announced by orgasmic scientists and no one will doubt amongst the shower of juices that this was a worthwhile endeavour. Everything is apparently monitored by computers and invisible to the human eye so we have to take their word for it that anything even happened at all. They could be tin-foiling a big toilet roll tube, then off to the nearest Porsche dealer for all I know, announcing the experiment a "success" poolside in Barbados being olied by a harem of adulating nymphoids.

Isn't it more worth while to look at the end of the world instead. I mean I'm not into all that green shit at all, and by that I mean worthy environmental endeavour, but what happened at the beginning of the Universe was...was some stuff, then here we are in 2008, job done. I'd rather the people with white coats knew something about delaying the day our faces get burnt off.

Can these billions not be better spent anyway? After the scientists reveal the results, the public should be asking "That's great and how's the news on Cancer and AIDS there?" Response-"blimey is that the time? is my mic cutting out? what was that? a phone call for me?"

Tuesday, 9 September 2008

Flushing Meadows and toilets... another chance disappears down the pan. Andy Murray, professional grump and occasional tennis player bows out of the US Open final. Federer out-classed his opponent, initially in the dresssing room with his initialled pants then later on the court. Murray maintains his place on the list of deseprate British under-achievers.
No doubt the jug-eared wonder Tim Henman watched on with jealous eyes (and flapping ears). At Wimbleon we have the constant reminder of Britain's under achievement with the naming of "Henman Hill". They named a hill after him and he didn't even come second, only reaching the semi finals, how desperate is that? There is also an element of male pride here as Virginia Wade who actually won the damn thing hasn't even got a toilet named after her...or a tea-maker, The Wade-Maid, "serving" up the best tea in town.
No, Murray lost out on a Grand Slam meaning not since Fred Perry has a British tennis player won such an event. Maybe one day Murray can have his own clothing range to be taken up by Far Right youths too. The Murray brand white hood and burning cross? Who knows? Of course the main conjecture about race on this one is when someone is deemed Scottish and when British. In the English press today Murray returned to being a Scot for the time being.

Wednesday, 3 September 2008

McCain or Wayne?

Well President Bonzo Bush has told delegates that Mr McCain was "a great American and the next president". Now despite the detriment of having such a poor referee McCain has started to gain further ground.
Bonzo described John as being ready to make the tough decisions needed in a "dangerous world" and that John McCain's life has prepared him to make "those choices". These appear to be euphenisms for McCain's ability to carry on the mayhem where Bonzo left off, he just needs to pop on the blindfold, put the pin in the map and scramble the bombers. You kind of get the feeling that in just a few short years we'll be watching big John evading questions on just why the troops invaded Sweden.
In addition, Sarah Palin his running mate and potential vice president, has ackowledged that fact that her 17 year old unmarried daughter is pregnant. Not only does this guy love the smell of napalm in the morning, he also knows women who put-out. Is there really any stopping him now?

Tuesday, 2 September 2008

Bedtime for Bonzo.

I read today that Jude Law has been out in Afghanistan solving the world's problems. He's selling "World Peace Day" or something. Good on him, trying to blend in with the rest of the invasion committee, sporting an army haircut, a good grade 2, which is apt given he's now a second rate actor.
The remit for actor/entertainer has changed considerably since the days of Bob Hope. No need to entertain the troops, they're too occupied trying to figure out what the hell they're doing in the desert halfway across the world to really concentrate on golf swing gags. Nowadays you just need a small private jet with enough room for you, your soapbox and possibly a spare seat in case Bono gets wind of your endeavour (he can smell the suffering of mankind from his luxury apartment, anywhere in the world).
Clooney is, of course, a UN peace messenger as well. If only Bin Laden was a gullible woman or a bearded gay man we'd have the terrorists carpet bombed by charm offensives and bent submissive in seconds. I do find his so called charm very offensive too. It's like a slowly creeping oil, exuded into the camera lens, from his slick grey hair and the holier than thou smile/eyebrow lift combination. I feel George would ideally start and end every sentence with "God damn I'm good looking" if he could get away with it.
Reagan set this precedent of course, in becoming President. He acted with a monkey and then became a senile political junky. Twelve years after Ronald it was the monkey's turn.
Schwazenegger has given it a go, but ultimately the fans/voters just aren't buying it. If he turned up everyday with an Oozi nine millimetre he'd be more believable, the real deal, what they were expecting, not to mention the right attitude for the job remit. Being born in Austria is potentially problematic for a leader of men in another country, as my Jewish friend confirms.

Now it's Obama and MCain. I've been to America and experienced the general attitude and it can make the days of the British Empire seem forward thinking. A black man or a woman in the "White" House? only if he/she really gets those sideboards clean.
Well, the woman has been dispatched so now it's up to Obama but he has a fight on, for sure. He's up against John Sidney MCain III, and we know how Americans like a sequel. This guy actually bombed the NVA. There should be Americans out there at the ballots finding it difficult to get the boxes ticked due to uncontrollable drool (and the need to find somewhere to rest their artillery). Yet unlike the chips [fries] of his namesake company, MCain is much more than 5% fat and physically impaired by torture as a POW. He's allegedly quick tempered and he'd probably want the troops out of Iraq too...just redeployed to Vietnam; finish the job. Obama is leaner, fitter, more liberal, he wants the troops out for real, a college boy, a certifiable geek. Are Americans ready for this? Surely, there are still too many John Wayne films in circulation. Obama needs to take a leaf out of Putin's book who shot a tiger in the jungle today. Barack would be standing on a new rug in the Oval Office before you could quote the 2nd Amendment.

At least whatever happens we can finally say goodnight to Bonzo .