...ranted Gordon Brown recently or rather that should be, compared to Mrs Obama, Sarah Brown has nothing on!
Michelle Obama is the cover girl for the March edition of fashion magazine 'Vogue'. This will only be the second time an American First Lady has taken the place of a model on the front cover.
Not to miss a trick, Gordon Brown has insisted his wife Sarah be a cover girl too. 'Haggard MILFs' has been running for a few months now and has picked up a niche following. The average reader is said to be around 57 years of age, have one eye and be of Glaswegian origin.
Thursday, 2 April 2009
Monday, 23 March 2009
Right Royal Revulsion
Now, I thought by now we had all got the message that racism was generally speaking, not good. Only last week though we were informed of the latest bit of playful racism spouted by Charlie and his ginger offspring. Ok, there’s some hereditary action here I suppose, with Prince Philip as a demented father and grandfather who’d make Hitler blush on occasion, so should we be surprised?
The Royal Family has become the last bastion for the committed racist outside of the BNP it seems sometimes. Apparently you can call someone ’Sooty’ then sweep it under the carpet and no one gets sued.
It’s all hypocrisy of course, as Jade Goody, temporary celebrity and self-styled porker was crucified over comments she spewed out which had racist connotations or at least they would have done if they could find timber strong enough. Not that it’s an excuse in the 21st century but the girl clearly had an education that started and ended with the Mr Men books. The Royals have no such excuse, always being educated at the finest establishments the country has to offer and when not feeling each other’s buttocks in dormitories they must’ve learnt something.
It’s all part of the bubble which the family live inside. They never get far without it catching up with them and drawing them back, much like in The Prisoner but they’re all escaped number twos. Prince Harry almost went to war but was pulled back on his baby harness because it was thought that he’d be singled out as a target. Good. He would’ve been the perfect decoy. Send Harry out into the desert with his beacon of ginger hair and draw fire; let the ‘boys’ get on with the random killing. We really missed a trick on that one. The only problem being that we would then have had to endure a minute’s silence every year and attempt to look solemn because someone who wears nazi uniforms for a jape and that we don’t really know died.
They just need to get out more. Charles notoriously talks to his plants and vegetables which no doubt improved relations between him and the Queen mum for a bit but it doesn’t do a lot for personal development.
Their role as ambassadors for this country always bemuses as well, as they can only relate to the inbred castles they scuttle around in, breeding like cockroaches and similar country’s infestations. We should send them out into space on a one-way ticket to greet any visiting aliens. This will but the little green men off visiting for good, which is a preferred scenario as Stephen Hawking believes that any visiting alien race would undoubtedly be unwelcome and be intent on dominating the world with their evil ways, possibly installing lots of staircases or something.
We could also do away with the National Anthem, which has to be one of the dullest songs ever penned. It’s the ditty you normally hear echoing round sports grounds by bald headed creatures that have just dragged their Doc Martins out of the primordial slime. I’d rather we pick any song by Celine Dione at random; it’s that bad. The verses blandly go on forever with only a deep, pained, intake of breath to punctuate each. In singing it, you feel like someone on their deathbed who has been refused the right to euthanasia.
The Queen seems harmless enough, I guess. So, God save the Queen but shoot a thunderbolt through the frontal cortex of the rest.
The Royal Family has become the last bastion for the committed racist outside of the BNP it seems sometimes. Apparently you can call someone ’Sooty’ then sweep it under the carpet and no one gets sued.
It’s all hypocrisy of course, as Jade Goody, temporary celebrity and self-styled porker was crucified over comments she spewed out which had racist connotations or at least they would have done if they could find timber strong enough. Not that it’s an excuse in the 21st century but the girl clearly had an education that started and ended with the Mr Men books. The Royals have no such excuse, always being educated at the finest establishments the country has to offer and when not feeling each other’s buttocks in dormitories they must’ve learnt something.
It’s all part of the bubble which the family live inside. They never get far without it catching up with them and drawing them back, much like in The Prisoner but they’re all escaped number twos. Prince Harry almost went to war but was pulled back on his baby harness because it was thought that he’d be singled out as a target. Good. He would’ve been the perfect decoy. Send Harry out into the desert with his beacon of ginger hair and draw fire; let the ‘boys’ get on with the random killing. We really missed a trick on that one. The only problem being that we would then have had to endure a minute’s silence every year and attempt to look solemn because someone who wears nazi uniforms for a jape and that we don’t really know died.
They just need to get out more. Charles notoriously talks to his plants and vegetables which no doubt improved relations between him and the Queen mum for a bit but it doesn’t do a lot for personal development.
Their role as ambassadors for this country always bemuses as well, as they can only relate to the inbred castles they scuttle around in, breeding like cockroaches and similar country’s infestations. We should send them out into space on a one-way ticket to greet any visiting aliens. This will but the little green men off visiting for good, which is a preferred scenario as Stephen Hawking believes that any visiting alien race would undoubtedly be unwelcome and be intent on dominating the world with their evil ways, possibly installing lots of staircases or something.
We could also do away with the National Anthem, which has to be one of the dullest songs ever penned. It’s the ditty you normally hear echoing round sports grounds by bald headed creatures that have just dragged their Doc Martins out of the primordial slime. I’d rather we pick any song by Celine Dione at random; it’s that bad. The verses blandly go on forever with only a deep, pained, intake of breath to punctuate each. In singing it, you feel like someone on their deathbed who has been refused the right to euthanasia.
The Queen seems harmless enough, I guess. So, God save the Queen but shoot a thunderbolt through the frontal cortex of the rest.
Monday, 9 February 2009
Just snow?!
Experts today have revealed a scientific fact to shock a nation after the recent weather onslaught. People have been informed that snow is actually just frozen precipitation and not a terraforming wonderland creator.
Apparently, one is not immediately transported to somewhere akin to Narnia. Especially, experts say, if you live somewhere like Dudley. Scientists have stated that you still live in a shithole, it's just got frozen water on it now. The general consensus is for people to "get over it, morons" and to stop playing in ice covered filth.
Apparently, one is not immediately transported to somewhere akin to Narnia. Especially, experts say, if you live somewhere like Dudley. Scientists have stated that you still live in a shithole, it's just got frozen water on it now. The general consensus is for people to "get over it, morons" and to stop playing in ice covered filth.
Tuesday, 3 February 2009
Glory Hole in the Wall
Dale Winton, host of "Hole in the Wall", amongst other televisual works of genius, has declared today his love of "big juicy tits". The 53 year old added, "There's nothing I like more than milking a massive pair of swollen tits". His off the cuff comment soon turned into an indepth reveal of the exact size and milking techniques preferred by the tanned tit tugger.
His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI was said to be overjoyed at the news, confirming that he too enjoyed ogling "huge fat tits" quipping, "look but don't touch eh?" with a knowing wink. His Holy Father was said to be preparing a special celebrational service, right up to the point where Mr Winton asked "tits are the things under a cock right?".
His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI was said to be overjoyed at the news, confirming that he too enjoyed ogling "huge fat tits" quipping, "look but don't touch eh?" with a knowing wink. His Holy Father was said to be preparing a special celebrational service, right up to the point where Mr Winton asked "tits are the things under a cock right?".
Monday, 15 December 2008
Obama is black shocker.
Astonished voters woke this morning to an incredible revelation. Barack Obama is BLACK. Many of America's 'simple folk' feel duped and say that if Obama had released this information, previous to the election, their votes may well have gone the other way.
"He seemed like such a nice boy" said one woman laundering her white sheets. A mother and son/husband couple we talked to said they almost dropped the two bits of wood they were nailing together at the time "lil' Seymour here almost spilt his gasoline too".
"He seemed like such a nice boy" said one woman laundering her white sheets. A mother and son/husband couple we talked to said they almost dropped the two bits of wood they were nailing together at the time "lil' Seymour here almost spilt his gasoline too".
Tuesday, 25 November 2008
Gastronomic bypass
One in three hospital patients is unhappy with the quality of food they receive, a recent survey suggests. A quarter of the 1,000 patients questioned by consumer charity “Which?” said they had to rely on relatives to bring them something edible. The other three quarters were unavailable for comment but would contribute to the survey if they get manage to get over their mysterious, recently acquired, bout of stomach pains and MRSA.
Friday, 21 November 2008
Skoolin
Big British brand names are coming up with creative ways of getting their products into schools. At Wisbech, in Cambridgeshire, pupils in a chemistry lesson are carrying out an experiment, involving dropping Mentos mints into a large plastic bottle of cola.
Teachers were reported to say that they were unaware of any direct influence the advertising had on their toothless, hyperactive, yet strangely fresh-breathed pupils.
The teaching of classic poetry in secondary schools is under threat, with English lessons being filled with lightweight verse and a limited selection of poems. Outraged Children's Laureate, Michael Rosen said “There once was a curriculum in this country, that let children neglect lovely poetry. At this rate they'll never wear cravats, mince around in pretentious hats, or masturbate over clouds under an oak tree.
Teachers were reported to say that they were unaware of any direct influence the advertising had on their toothless, hyperactive, yet strangely fresh-breathed pupils.
The teaching of classic poetry in secondary schools is under threat, with English lessons being filled with lightweight verse and a limited selection of poems. Outraged Children's Laureate, Michael Rosen said “There once was a curriculum in this country, that let children neglect lovely poetry. At this rate they'll never wear cravats, mince around in pretentious hats, or masturbate over clouds under an oak tree.
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