Just snow?!

Experts today have revealed a scientific fact to shock a nation after the recent weather onslaught. People have been informed that snow is actually just frozen precipitation and not a terraforming wonderland creator.
Apparently, one is not immediately transported to somewhere akin to Narnia. Especially, experts say, if you live somewhere like Dudley. Scientists have stated that you still live in a shithole, it's just got frozen water on it now. The general consensus is for people to "get over it, morons" and to stop playing in ice covered filth.

Glory Hole in the Wall

Dale Winton, host of "Hole in the Wall", amongst other televisual works of genius, has declared today his love of "big juicy tits". The 53 year old added, "There's nothing I like more than milking a massive pair of swollen tits". His off the cuff comment soon turned into an indepth reveal of the exact size and milking techniques preferred by the tanned tit tugger.

His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI was said to be overjoyed at the news, confirming that he too enjoyed ogling "huge fat tits" quipping, "look but don't touch eh?" with a knowing wink. His Holy Father was said to be preparing a special celebrational service, right up to the point where Mr Winton asked "tits are the things under a cock right?".

Obama is black shocker.

Astonished voters woke this morning to an incredible revelation. Barack Obama is BLACK. Many of America's 'simple folk' feel duped and say that if Obama had released this information, previous to the election, their votes may well have gone the other way.

"He seemed like such a nice boy" said one woman laundering her white sheets. A mother and son/husband couple we talked to said they almost dropped the two bits of wood they were nailing together at the time "lil' Seymour here almost spilt his gasoline too".

Gastronomic bypass

One in three hospital patients is unhappy with the quality of food they receive, a recent survey suggests. A quarter of the 1,000 patients questioned by consumer charity “Which?” said they had to rely on relatives to bring them something edible. The other three quarters were unavailable for comment but would contribute to the survey if they get manage to get over their mysterious, recently acquired, bout of stomach pains and MRSA.

Skoolin

Big British brand names are coming up with creative ways of getting their products into schools. At Wisbech, in Cambridgeshire, pupils in a chemistry lesson are carrying out an experiment, involving dropping Mentos mints into a large plastic bottle of cola.
Teachers were reported to say that they were unaware of any direct influence the advertising had on their toothless, hyperactive, yet strangely fresh-breathed pupils.


The teaching of classic poetry in secondary schools is under threat, with English lessons being filled with lightweight verse and a limited selection of poems. Outraged Children's Laureate, Michael Rosen said “There once was a curriculum in this country, that let children neglect lovely poetry. At this rate they'll never wear cravats, mince around in pretentious hats, or masturbate over clouds under an oak tree.

Oh Darling

The recession is here! It's official, the economy is shrinking. Alistair Darling says that "Hopefully it'll shrink so much that it will disappear and we'll hear no more about it. Naughty economy".

Bang for Your Buck

At least 5 billion is the estimated cost of colliding some particles in the Hadron Collider. This is so we can discover what happened after the "Big Bang". The results will no doubt be announced by orgasmic scientists and no one will doubt amongst the shower of juices that this was a worthwhile endeavour. Everything is apparently monitored by computers and invisible to the human eye so we have to take their word for it that anything even happened at all. They could be tin-foiling a big toilet roll tube, then off to the nearest Porsche dealer for all I know, announcing the experiment a "success" poolside in Barbados being olied by a harem of adulating nymphoids.

Isn't it more worth while to look at the end of the world instead. I mean I'm not into all that green shit at all, and by that I mean worthy environmental endeavour, but what happened at the beginning of the Universe was...was some stuff, then here we are in 2008, job done. I'd rather the people with white coats knew something about delaying the day our faces get burnt off.

Can these billions not be better spent anyway? After the scientists reveal the results, the public should be asking "That's great and how's the news on Cancer and AIDS there?" Response-"blimey is that the time? is my mic cutting out? what was that? a phone call for me?"